1) Erectile Dysfunction is an Older Man's Problem--Guys In Their 20's and 30's are Immune(Required) FALSE.
When I started my career as a sex therapist in the early 1990’s, erectile dysfunction was an ‘older man’s’ concern. Now, I treat men in their 20’s and 30's who can’t get (or keep) an erection. While the more mature crowd has new-found confidence thanks to Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis, it’s the younger guys who are struggling to perform. What’s going on? Why can’t young men ‘keep it up?’
1. The Internet & Porn Dependence
In the 1980’s and before, boys typically saw their first naked pictures of women in Playboy Magazine. They knew where their dad or uncle stashed the goods. If they were a true friend, they even stole one to share with their buddies.If they were really lucky, they ‘struck gold’ by finding something more hardcore, like Penthouse or Hustler. They got the bulk of their sex ed in the locker room and explored masturbation in ‘circle jerks’ around the campfire at Boy Scout campouts.
The Internet changed all that. American children now begin consuming hardcore pornography at an average age of 11. Witnessing endless combinations of sexual behaviors may leave boys with arousal templates that make it difficult to respond to more conventional, loving sexual interactions.
When you’ve watched anal rape, sex with horses and dogs, enema porn, girl on girl, ‘squirters’, lactation porn, simulated child porn, threesomes, and the ‘money shot’ hundreds (or more likely, thousands of times) by the time you are 14 or 15; ‘vanilla’ sex may lack the flavor you need to achieve and sustain arousal. It will be boring.
When guys rely on porn to have an orgasm, they become extremely efficient at responding to their own touch. I call this Self Stimulation Dependence. They know just how much pressure and speed to use to extend their arousal; and how much to use when they are ready to ejaculate. They become experts at getting themselves off.
Some men expect women to look a certain way, respond a certain way, and be receptive to any and all sexual behaviors. When the reality of sexual inhibition and rigid repertoires come crashing down, it can leave young men without adequate stimulation to get and stay hard.
2. Alcohol
Another explanation for young male ED stems from alcohol abuse. People drink to take the edge off. And it works. Alcohol has a disinhibiting effect that allows men and women to be more social. There are many young adults who don’t feel comfortable in social situations without a drink in their hand. The problem – alcohol is a depressant. It might provide ‘liquid courage,’ but it is not a friend of the penis. Alcohol undermines sexual function, especially the arousal phase.
Also, it is not uncommon for men to report that they have never had sober sex . They have literally never had sex without being under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. I’ve treated hundreds of guys in recovery who discover that they can’t keep an erection because it feels too intimate. They don’t know how to relate and be present without hiding behind chemicals. Their emotional and sexual development stopped when they starting partying.
3. ‘On the Down Low’ or Secret Gender Conflict
Although LGBT rights have come a long way, many guys in their 20’s are still afraid to ‘come out.’ They want a conventional lifestyle. Or they fear their family or religion will disown them if they are openly gay or trans. So they attempt to engage in traditional, conventional sexual relations.
The problem is that their fantasy life does not match their reality. Homoerotic men share that they try to fantasize about having sex with a man but it is not enough. Some trans clients report that they fantasize about being a woman, but the inevitable reality of their biological male status renders them impotent.
Living a secret life takes a toll not only on one’s sexual function, but also on one’s overall mental health and quality of life. The inability to be authentic can stand in the way of sexual, emotional, and psychological health and satisfaction. A man may feel he can’t be honest, but his penis will speak the truth.
4. Depression, Anxiety & OCD (and the medications to treat them)
Depression zaps people of energy and vitality. Getting out of bed is a chore. Making it to work is a huge accomplishment. Sexual energy is also undermined by depression. When the future is dark, you feel terrible about yourself, and can barely shower, your sex life (and erectile function) will likely suffer.
Chronic worries can dampen an erection. For the first time in American history, young adults are going to be less successful than their parents. Worries about finances, achievement, and overall success plague many young men. The cultural expectation to be ‘good in bed’ complicates already tenuous self esteem. Performance anxiety can render a man impotent in two seconds flat.
And when you add OCD to the mix, all bets are off. Men with OCD often worry about germs, bodily fluids, and smells. They worry that they have bad breath, or that their penis is too small, or that they will get AIDS. They are overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts, tortured by preoccupying fears, and compelled to engage in rituals that may seem bizarre.
The medications that treat anxiety and depression are a wonderful boon. They enable people who otherwise might be crippled by mental illness to participate in life. However, many of these medications have sexual side effects, which can make getting and staying hard difficult.
Porn dependence, alcohol, being on ‘the down low,’ psych meds, anxiety and depression all affect young men’s penile prowess. So as men in their 60’s, 70’s and 80’s are enjoying sex longer than ever before, young men are struggling to perform. The good news – sex therapy can help.
Correct! The answer is FALSE.
When I started my career as a sex therapist in the early 1990’s, erectile dysfunction was an ‘older man’s’ concern. Now, I treat men in their 20’s and 30's who can’t get (or keep) an erection. While the more mature crowd has new-found confidence thanks to Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis, it’s the younger guys who are struggling to perform. What’s going on? Why can’t young men ‘keep it up?’
1. The Internet & Porn Dependence
In the 1980’s and before, boys typically saw their first naked pictures of women in Playboy Magazine. They knew where their dad or uncle stashed the goods. If they were a true friend, they even stole one to share with their buddies.If they were really lucky, they ‘struck gold’ by finding something more hardcore, like Penthouse or Hustler. They got the bulk of their sex ed in the locker room and explored masturbation in ‘circle jerks’ around the campfire at Boy Scout campouts.
The Internet changed all that. American children now begin consuming hardcore pornography at an average age of 11. Witnessing endless combinations of sexual behaviors may leave boys with arousal templates that make it difficult to respond to more conventional, loving sexual interactions.
When you’ve watched anal rape, sex with horses and dogs, enema porn, girl on girl, ‘squirters’, lactation porn, simulated child porn, threesomes, and the ‘money shot’ hundreds (or more likely, thousands of times) by the time you are 14 or 15; ‘vanilla’ sex may lack the flavor you need to achieve and sustain arousal. It will be boring.
When guys rely on porn to have an orgasm, they become extremely efficient at responding to their own touch. I call this Self Stimulation Dependence. They know just how much pressure and speed to use to extend their arousal; and how much to use when they are ready to ejaculate. They become experts at getting themselves off.
Some men expect women to look a certain way, respond a certain way, and be receptive to any and all sexual behaviors. When the reality of sexual inhibition and rigid repertoires come crashing down, it can leave young men without adequate stimulation to get and stay hard.
2. Alcohol
Another explanation for young male ED stems from alcohol abuse. People drink to take the edge off. And it works. Alcohol has a disinhibiting effect that allows men and women to be more social. There are many young adults who don’t feel comfortable in social situations without a drink in their hand. The problem – alcohol is a depressant. It might provide ‘liquid courage,’ but it is not a friend of the penis. Alcohol undermines sexual function, especially the arousal phase.
Also, it is not uncommon for men to report that they have never had sober sex . They have literally never had sex without being under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. I’ve treated hundreds of guys in recovery who discover that they can’t keep an erection because it feels too intimate. They don’t know how to relate and be present without hiding behind chemicals. Their emotional and sexual development stopped when they starting partying.
3. ‘On the Down Low’ or Secret Gender Conflict
Although LGBT rights have come a long way, many guys in their 20’s are still afraid to ‘come out.’ They want a conventional lifestyle. Or they fear their family or religion will disown them if they are openly gay or trans. So they attempt to engage in traditional, conventional sexual relations.
The problem is that their fantasy life does not match their reality. Homoerotic men share that they try to fantasize about having sex with a man but it is not enough. Some trans clients report that they fantasize about being a woman, but the inevitable reality of their biological male status renders them impotent.
Living a secret life takes a toll not only on one’s sexual function, but also on one’s overall mental health and quality of life. The inability to be authentic can stand in the way of sexual, emotional, and psychological health and satisfaction. A man may feel he can’t be honest, but his penis will speak the truth.
4. Depression, Anxiety & OCD (and the medications to treat them)
Depression zaps people of energy and vitality. Getting out of bed is a chore. Making it to work is a huge accomplishment. Sexual energy is also undermined by depression. When the future is dark, you feel terrible about yourself, and can barely shower, your sex life (and erectile function) will likely suffer.
Chronic worries can dampen an erection. For the first time in American history, young adults are going to be less successful than their parents. Worries about finances, achievement, and overall success plague many young men. The cultural expectation to be ‘good in bed’ complicates already tenuous self esteem. Performance anxiety can render a man impotent in two seconds flat.
And when you add OCD to the mix, all bets are off. Men with OCD often worry about germs, bodily fluids, and smells. They worry that they have bad breath, or that their penis is too small, or that they will get AIDS. They are overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts, tortured by preoccupying fears, and compelled to engage in rituals that may seem bizarre.
The medications that treat anxiety and depression are a wonderful boon. They enable people who otherwise might be crippled by mental illness to participate in life. However, many of these medications have sexual side effects, which can make getting and staying hard difficult.
Porn dependence, alcohol, being on ‘the down low,’ psych meds, anxiety and depression all affect young men’s penile prowess. So as men in their 60’s, 70’s and 80’s are enjoying sex longer than ever before, young men are struggling to perform. The good news – sex therapy can help.
2) Female 'Squirting' Can Cause Performance Anxiety in Women TRUE.
Thanks to the porn industry, urban legend, and general sexual misinformation; there are many questions about female ejaculation (also known as “squirting”). Is it pee? Is it normal? How can I make my girlfriend squirt? How can I stop myself from squirting? Is it a made-up thing? It feels like there are more questions than answers. This blog will separate fact from fiction and leave you with the juicy truth about this misunderstood subject. I will also add my spin on how this craze (and the industry that supports it) is creating a new type of performance anxiety for women.
Female ejaculation remains a controversial topic in pop culture. Some experts have debunked its existence while others insist that it is a natural physiologic response to stimulation of the G-Spot. The G-spot, also called the Gräfenberg spot (named for German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg ), is described as an erogenous area of the vagina that, when properly stimulated, may lead to intense orgasms and expulsion of fluid. The G-spot is located 5–8 cm up the front (anterior) vaginal wall between the vaginal opening and the urethra . Like female ejaculation, the existence of the G-spot has not been scientifically proven but is commonly accepted as existing.
Increased cultural interest in squirting has led to the eroticization of female ejaculation. Squirting has its own dedicated genre of porn. There are even lists of porn’s best and most impressive “Squirt Girls.” With titles such as “High School Squirting Ballerina,” “Femdom Makes Squirt Slave,” and “Lesbian Squirt Machine,” it is abundantly clear that there is a niche market for men who enjoy the gush. Interestingly, this craze has created a sort of performance anxiety for women—the pressure to squirt! Whereas 25 years ago, my female clients were embarrassed and ashamed by what they believed was wetting the bed during sex, now women are desperate and determined to master squirting.
Squirting occurs when women expel fluid through the paraurethral ducts (also known as the Skenes Gland or ‘female prostate’). The Skenes gland is very similar to the male prostate and the fluid it expels is similar to male prostatic fluid. The fluid is clear in color and some report an ammonia-like odor. Some have likened the Skenes gland to a sponge in that it expands as more fluid is produced.
When it expands, the Skenes gland puts pressure on the bladder. This causes the sensation of needing to pee. When a woman squirts, the fluid travels through a portion of the bladder so it may actually feel like she is peeing. Research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2014 reports that data based on ultrasonic bladder monitoring and biochemical analyses show that female ejaculation consists of a mixture of urine and prostatic secretions. So although it is not pee, there is likely some urine present in the fluid.
Some men specifically ‘seek out’ squirters on hook-up apps like Tinder, xmatch.com and GetItOn. Women who can reliably squirt are considered sexually “in the know” and are considered superior bed fellows. Many men still feel insecure about whether or not a woman experiences orgasm. With a squirter, there is no ambiguity. For some men, squirting equals proof of their manhood. The indisputable fact that they have adequately pleasured their partner is important to them.
Of course, there are some men who are turned off by female ejaculation and have even ended relationships over it. One client told me “I’m the guy, I’m the one who is supposed to squirt, not her.” Like most things sexual, some like it and some don’t. One man’s Taboo is another man’s Treasure. Some women are self conscious about squirting and avoid climax to ensure no fluid is expelled. Others try and try to no avail.
Men and women spend billions of dollars annually to open the floodgates. There are hundreds of sex toys designed to facilitate squirting. Products such as Lovehoney, OhMiBod and RockBox Finger Thrusting G-spot vibrators all but promise squirting. There is an unmistakable call to action.
But what effect is this pressure to squirt having on real people? In my office, it is experienced as a genuine source of anxiety. Hundreds of female clients report that they find squirting porn on the computer, that their husbands are over-invested in getting them to squirt, and question their pleasure in absence of squirting. For some men, it has taken on fetishistic proportions that make it an absolute requirement.
Even the women who can ejaculate are sometimes told it is not enough or lacks force. Porn sometimes depicts women ejaculating across the room with the near force of a power washer. As with many aspects of porn, sex is depicted in unrealistic ways. Both women and men fall into the trap of trying to reproduce what they see in porn rather than using humor and creativity to create and sustain their own version of sex.
The pressure to squirt may be experienced as a burden in an already delicate sexual dynamic. If you can squirt and your partner loves it, good for you! But if the presence or absence of squirting is causing conflict in your relationship, sex therapy can help. Call me at 818-334-5811!
Correct! The answer is TRUE.
Thanks to the porn industry, urban legend, and general sexual misinformation; there are many questions about female ejaculation (also known as “squirting”). Is it pee? Is it normal? How can I make my girlfriend squirt? How can I stop myself from squirting? Is it a made-up thing? It feels like there are more questions than answers. This blog will separate fact from fiction and leave you with the juicy truth about this misunderstood subject. I will also add my spin on how this craze (and the industry that supports it) is creating a new type of performance anxiety for women.
Female ejaculation remains a controversial topic in pop culture. Some experts have debunked its existence while others insist that it is a natural physiologic response to stimulation of the G-Spot. The G-spot, also called the Gräfenberg spot (named for German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg ), is described as an erogenous area of the vagina that, when properly stimulated, may lead to intense orgasms and expulsion of fluid. The G-spot is located 5–8 cm up the front (anterior) vaginal wall between the vaginal opening and the urethra . Like female ejaculation, the existence of the G-spot has not been scientifically proven but is commonly accepted as existing.
Increased cultural interest in squirting has led to the eroticization of female ejaculation. Squirting has its own dedicated genre of porn. There are even lists of porn’s best and most impressive “Squirt Girls.” With titles such as “High School Squirting Ballerina,” “Femdom Makes Squirt Slave,” and “Lesbian Squirt Machine,” it is abundantly clear that there is a niche market for men who enjoy the gush. Interestingly, this craze has created a sort of performance anxiety for women—the pressure to squirt! Whereas 25 years ago, my female clients were embarrassed and ashamed by what they believed was wetting the bed during sex, now women are desperate and determined to master squirting.
Squirting occurs when women expel fluid through the paraurethral ducts (also known as the Skenes Gland or ‘female prostate’). The Skenes gland is very similar to the male prostate and the fluid it expels is similar to male prostatic fluid. The fluid is clear in color and some report an ammonia-like odor. Some have likened the Skenes gland to a sponge in that it expands as more fluid is produced.
When it expands, the Skenes gland puts pressure on the bladder. This causes the sensation of needing to pee. When a woman squirts, the fluid travels through a portion of the bladder so it may actually feel like she is peeing. Research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2014 reports that data based on ultrasonic bladder monitoring and biochemical analyses show that female ejaculation consists of a mixture of urine and prostatic secretions. So although it is not pee, there is likely some urine present in the fluid.
Some men specifically ‘seek out’ squirters on hook-up apps like Tinder, xmatch.com and GetItOn. Women who can reliably squirt are considered sexually “in the know” and are considered superior bed fellows. Many men still feel insecure about whether or not a woman experiences orgasm. With a squirter, there is no ambiguity. For some men, squirting equals proof of their manhood. The indisputable fact that they have adequately pleasured their partner is important to them.
Of course, there are some men who are turned off by female ejaculation and have even ended relationships over it. One client told me “I’m the guy, I’m the one who is supposed to squirt, not her.” Like most things sexual, some like it and some don’t. One man’s Taboo is another man’s Treasure. Some women are self conscious about squirting and avoid climax to ensure no fluid is expelled. Others try and try to no avail.
Men and women spend billions of dollars annually to open the floodgates. There are hundreds of sex toys designed to facilitate squirting. Products such as Lovehoney, OhMiBod and RockBox Finger Thrusting G-spot vibrators all but promise squirting. There is an unmistakable call to action.
But what effect is this pressure to squirt having on real people? In my office, it is experienced as a genuine source of anxiety. Hundreds of female clients report that they find squirting porn on the computer, that their husbands are over-invested in getting them to squirt, and question their pleasure in absence of squirting. For some men, it has taken on fetishistic proportions that make it an absolute requirement.
Even the women who can ejaculate are sometimes told it is not enough or lacks force. Porn sometimes depicts women ejaculating across the room with the near force of a power washer. As with many aspects of porn, sex is depicted in unrealistic ways. Both women and men fall into the trap of trying to reproduce what they see in porn rather than using humor and creativity to create and sustain their own version of sex.
The pressure to squirt may be experienced as a burden in an already delicate sexual dynamic. If you can squirt and your partner loves it, good for you! But if the presence or absence of squirting is causing conflict in your relationship, sex therapy can help. Call me at 818-334-5811!
3) Sex Enhances Our Sense of Smell TRUE.
Nature designed sex to feel good for a reason—so we will reproduce and endure as a species. But far beyond the pleasure principle, there are many physical and psychological benefits to sex. When people learn how healthy sex really is, it can actually serve as motivation to partake when activity in the bedroom is scarce.
One of my clinical specialties is helping couples in sexless relationships get back on the ‘sexual horse.’ After an extended period of abstinence, they worry that sex will be awkward or clumsy. They worry they will not be responsive to their partner. They say they need romance and passion. What do I tell them? Do it anyway! Mediocre sex is better than no sex. Awkward sex is better than no sex. It’s okay to ‘take one for the team’ once in a while. You (and your relationship) will benefit on so many levels. Here are a few reasons why this can make a difference in your life.
Live Longer and Look Younger!
People who have sex twice a week throughout adulthood will add 3 -5 years to their life span! Not only will they live longer, but they will have more energy, vitality, stamina, strength, and flexibility. Is sex the Fountain of Youth? A study conducted at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland asked judges to view participants through one-way mirrors and guess their ages. Participants who were having lots of sex (4 times per week on average) were perceived to be 12 years younger than their actual age! You know that proverbial ‘sexual glow.’
Heighten your Senses
Here’s a fun fact for you—sex actually heightens our sense of smell. During and immediately after sex, we experience a surge in prolactin which generates neurons in the olfactory bulb. Sex actually heightens all of our senses. Have you ever had sex then enjoyed a great meal? Yes, even our taste buds are heightened during and after sex. Activating our senses also helps us get in the mood for sex. That’s why candles, flowers, bubble baths, fine wine, massage, and music are tried and true accoutrements.
Good for the Ticker
We all know sex is healthy for the heart. A good romp can burn anywhere from 100 to 500 calories depending on length and exertion level. The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health published a study reporting that men who had sex 2 or more times per week reduced their risk of fatal heart attack by half (compared to men who had sex less than once a month). Aerobic exercise (i.e. sex) is also good for lowering blood pressure, weight loss, and overall stamina.
Brain Boost
Sex plays a protective role in mental acuity, imagination, and memory.
A Dutch study published in the March 2015 issue of the American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry reported that sex may keep our minds sharp as we age. Nearly 1800 male and female participants (average age 71) were asked whether they felt sex and intimacy were important for older adults and whether or not they were involved in a sexual relationship. Subjects who reported a satisfying sex life and believed sex was important scored significantly better on tests of memory, processing speed and other cognitive measures.
Can sex reduce risk for Alzheimer’s? Some studies suggest yes. One such study showed that adult rats that were sexually active experienced a boost in neurons in the hippocampus (the part of the brain that stores memories) when compared to virginal rat counterparts.
Natural Pain Reliever
Oxytocin releases endorphins similar in chemical structure to morphine. This effect can temporarily alleviate pain due to tension headaches, migraines, arthritis and menstrual cramps. So next time you have a headache, try reaching for your partner instead of the Advil.
Just looking at your partner (or even a photo of your partner) activates Oxytocin and can reduce pain. In one study, anesthesiologists showed subjects either pictures of their partners; pictures of attractive strangers; or asked them to play a word game. The ones who looked at pictures of their partners reported significantly less pain. In another study, published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, volunteers who inhaled Oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked reported 50% less pain than those who did not inhale the vapor.
Shorter, Lighter, More Regular Periods and Pregnancy Maintenance
Women who have sex twice a week have more regular menstrual cycles. The uterine contractions associated with orgasm cause lighter and shorter periods by helping to expel blood and tissue more efficiently during menstruation. Sex also helps with pregnancy maintenance and reduces risk for preeclampsia. And when the time comes, it can also help induce labor!
Reduces Risk for Cancer
Sex boosts overall immunity but it offers special protection against cancer, especially breast and prostate cancer. A Study published in the British Journal of Urology International reported that men in their 20’s can cut their risk of prostate cancer by 1/3 by ejaculating 5 times per week. Interestingly, this habit offers no protection to men in their 30s, 40s or 50’s. ‘Milking’ the prostate seems to be most protective in the third decade of life. Once men reach a certain age, the practice becomes protective again. Men in their 60’s and 70’s have a lower risk of prostate cancer if they ejaculate 21 or more times per month.
It has long been understood that the Oxytocin released during orgasm can help protect women from breast cancer, especially if they have never given birth to a child. Nipple play is now believed to assist in reducing risk of breast cancer as well. Tim Murrell, Department of Community Medicine at the University of Adelaide in Australia, recommends 2-3 minutes of nipple stimulation twice a week.
Breast cancer risk is known to be lower in women who have breast- fed their babies. Oxytocin is produced during labor, lactation and orgasm. One of the functions of the Oxytocin is to cause breast cells to contract to expel milk or other breast fluid from them. By stimulating the nipples on a regular basis, he believes the protective benefits of breastfeeding will be simulated.
Better Sleep
During ejaculation, men release a winning combination of brain chemicals, including Norepinephrine, Serotonin, Oxytocin, Vasopressin, Nitric Oxide and Prolactin. Prolactin levels are naturally higher during sleep, and in laboratory studies, animals injected with Prolactin become tired immediately.
Interestingly, prolactin also explains why men are sleepier after intercourse than after masturbation. For unknown reasons, intercourse orgasms release four times more prolactin than masturbatory orgasms, according to a recent study.
Oxytocin and vasopressin also assist with sleep. Their release is frequently accompanied by melatonin, the main hormone that regulates our body clocks. Oxytocin is also thought to reduce stress levels, which naturally leads to a sense of relaxation and calm.
There is also a fascinating evolutionary explanation as to why men are sleepy after sex. Men are programmed to spread their seed as far and wide as possible. So, moving on to the next opportunity to procreate (have sex with a new partner) is a powerful force. Sleepiness increases the chances that a man will stick around and spend the night. Sleeping next to a sexual partner activates Oxytocin. The simple act of falling asleep after coitus may actually increase the chances that a guy will stick around to help you raise Junior.
Enhanced Sense of Well Being
Sex fosters a special closeness because (assuming you are monogamous) it is something that you only do with each other. It holds a special and sacred status. Most people state that they feel closer to their partner after sexual contact (assuming it is consensual and generally steeped in good will). Oxytocin is often referred to as the ‘cuddle chemical’ or attachment hormone.
In addition to Oxytocin, other nuerochemicals released during orgasm, such as Serotonin, Dopamine, and Norepinephrine, serve as a natural anti-depressant and anxiety reducer. These chemicals lift your mood and allow you to temporarily forget your troubles and feel hopeful about your future.
Having sex tempers disappointment and resentment toward our partner. Connecting sexually buys lots of good will. Oxytocin increases generosity, so if your partner seems ‘nicer’ after sex, there is a physiological explanation.
Still not convinced? Here are a few more health benefits of sex:
Sex is a natural antihistamine (reduces stuffy nose)
Sex reduces hay fever and asthma
Sex protects against osteoporosis
Sex increases Immunoglobulin A which boosts immunity (reduces risk for common cold and flu)
Sex reduces risk for stroke
Sex improves pelvic floor muscles (assists with bladder control)
So the next time you don’t feel ‘in the mood ’reread this and do it anyway!
Correct! The answer is TRUE.
Nature designed sex to feel good for a reason—so we will reproduce and endure as a species. But far beyond the pleasure principle, there are many physical and psychological benefits to sex. When people learn how healthy sex really is, it can actually serve as motivation to partake when activity in the bedroom is scarce.
One of my clinical specialties is helping couples in sexless relationships get back on the ‘sexual horse.’ After an extended period of abstinence, they worry that sex will be awkward or clumsy. They worry they will not be responsive to their partner. They say they need romance and passion. What do I tell them? Do it anyway! Mediocre sex is better than no sex. Awkward sex is better than no sex. It’s okay to ‘take one for the team’ once in a while. You (and your relationship) will benefit on so many levels. Here are a few reasons why this can make a difference in your life.
Live Longer and Look Younger!
People who have sex twice a week throughout adulthood will add 3 -5 years to their life span! Not only will they live longer, but they will have more energy, vitality, stamina, strength, and flexibility. Is sex the Fountain of Youth? A study conducted at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland asked judges to view participants through one-way mirrors and guess their ages. Participants who were having lots of sex (4 times per week on average) were perceived to be 12 years younger than their actual age! You know that proverbial ‘sexual glow.’
Heighten your Senses
Here’s a fun fact for you—sex actually heightens our sense of smell. During and immediately after sex, we experience a surge in prolactin which generates neurons in the olfactory bulb. Sex actually heightens all of our senses. Have you ever had sex then enjoyed a great meal? Yes, even our taste buds are heightened during and after sex. Activating our senses also helps us get in the mood for sex. That’s why candles, flowers, bubble baths, fine wine, massage, and music are tried and true accoutrements.
Good for the Ticker
We all know sex is healthy for the heart. A good romp can burn anywhere from 100 to 500 calories depending on length and exertion level. The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health published a study reporting that men who had sex 2 or more times per week reduced their risk of fatal heart attack by half (compared to men who had sex less than once a month). Aerobic exercise (i.e. sex) is also good for lowering blood pressure, weight loss, and overall stamina.
Brain Boost
Sex plays a protective role in mental acuity, imagination, and memory.
A Dutch study published in the March 2015 issue of the American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry reported that sex may keep our minds sharp as we age. Nearly 1800 male and female participants (average age 71) were asked whether they felt sex and intimacy were important for older adults and whether or not they were involved in a sexual relationship. Subjects who reported a satisfying sex life and believed sex was important scored significantly better on tests of memory, processing speed and other cognitive measures.
Can sex reduce risk for Alzheimer’s? Some studies suggest yes. One such study showed that adult rats that were sexually active experienced a boost in neurons in the hippocampus (the part of the brain that stores memories) when compared to virginal rat counterparts.
Natural Pain Reliever
Oxytocin releases endorphins similar in chemical structure to morphine. This effect can temporarily alleviate pain due to tension headaches, migraines, arthritis and menstrual cramps. So next time you have a headache, try reaching for your partner instead of the Advil.
Just looking at your partner (or even a photo of your partner) activates Oxytocin and can reduce pain. In one study, anesthesiologists showed subjects either pictures of their partners; pictures of attractive strangers; or asked them to play a word game. The ones who looked at pictures of their partners reported significantly less pain. In another study, published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, volunteers who inhaled Oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked reported 50% less pain than those who did not inhale the vapor.
Shorter, Lighter, More Regular Periods and Pregnancy Maintenance
Women who have sex twice a week have more regular menstrual cycles. The uterine contractions associated with orgasm cause lighter and shorter periods by helping to expel blood and tissue more efficiently during menstruation. Sex also helps with pregnancy maintenance and reduces risk for preeclampsia. And when the time comes, it can also help induce labor!
Reduces Risk for Cancer
Sex boosts overall immunity but it offers special protection against cancer, especially breast and prostate cancer. A Study published in the British Journal of Urology International reported that men in their 20’s can cut their risk of prostate cancer by 1/3 by ejaculating 5 times per week. Interestingly, this habit offers no protection to men in their 30s, 40s or 50’s. ‘Milking’ the prostate seems to be most protective in the third decade of life. Once men reach a certain age, the practice becomes protective again. Men in their 60’s and 70’s have a lower risk of prostate cancer if they ejaculate 21 or more times per month.
It has long been understood that the Oxytocin released during orgasm can help protect women from breast cancer, especially if they have never given birth to a child. Nipple play is now believed to assist in reducing risk of breast cancer as well. Tim Murrell, Department of Community Medicine at the University of Adelaide in Australia, recommends 2-3 minutes of nipple stimulation twice a week.
Breast cancer risk is known to be lower in women who have breast- fed their babies. Oxytocin is produced during labor, lactation and orgasm. One of the functions of the Oxytocin is to cause breast cells to contract to expel milk or other breast fluid from them. By stimulating the nipples on a regular basis, he believes the protective benefits of breastfeeding will be simulated.
Better Sleep
During ejaculation, men release a winning combination of brain chemicals, including Norepinephrine, Serotonin, Oxytocin, Vasopressin, Nitric Oxide and Prolactin. Prolactin levels are naturally higher during sleep, and in laboratory studies, animals injected with Prolactin become tired immediately.
Interestingly, prolactin also explains why men are sleepier after intercourse than after masturbation. For unknown reasons, intercourse orgasms release four times more prolactin than masturbatory orgasms, according to a recent study.
Oxytocin and vasopressin also assist with sleep. Their release is frequently accompanied by melatonin, the main hormone that regulates our body clocks. Oxytocin is also thought to reduce stress levels, which naturally leads to a sense of relaxation and calm.
There is also a fascinating evolutionary explanation as to why men are sleepy after sex. Men are programmed to spread their seed as far and wide as possible. So, moving on to the next opportunity to procreate (have sex with a new partner) is a powerful force. Sleepiness increases the chances that a man will stick around and spend the night. Sleeping next to a sexual partner activates Oxytocin. The simple act of falling asleep after coitus may actually increase the chances that a guy will stick around to help you raise Junior.
Enhanced Sense of Well Being
Sex fosters a special closeness because (assuming you are monogamous) it is something that you only do with each other. It holds a special and sacred status. Most people state that they feel closer to their partner after sexual contact (assuming it is consensual and generally steeped in good will). Oxytocin is often referred to as the ‘cuddle chemical’ or attachment hormone.
In addition to Oxytocin, other nuerochemicals released during orgasm, such as Serotonin, Dopamine, and Norepinephrine, serve as a natural anti-depressant and anxiety reducer. These chemicals lift your mood and allow you to temporarily forget your troubles and feel hopeful about your future.
Having sex tempers disappointment and resentment toward our partner. Connecting sexually buys lots of good will. Oxytocin increases generosity, so if your partner seems ‘nicer’ after sex, there is a physiological explanation.
Still not convinced? Here are a few more health benefits of sex:
Sex is a natural antihistamine (reduces stuffy nose)
Sex reduces hay fever and asthma
Sex protects against osteoporosis
Sex increases Immunoglobulin A which boosts immunity (reduces risk for common cold and flu)
Sex reduces risk for stroke
Sex improves pelvic floor muscles (assists with bladder control)
So the next time you don’t feel ‘in the mood ’reread this and do it anyway!
4) It's Normal for Sex To Hurt, It's Just Part of Being a Woman. FALSE.
Sex should not hurt. Okay, maybe the first time. But pelvic pain is not something women just need to accept. Imagine not being able to have sex. Seriously. Imagine. Every time you attempt intercourse—searing, burning, ripping pain shoots through your pelvis. Sometimes you bleed. Sometimes it hurts to pee for a week after sex. Your partner’s erect penis is perceived as the enemy. As the ‘enemy’ approaches, you brace yourself and ‘white-knuckle’ it.
You avoid dates with your boyfriend because he might expect sex afterwards. You don’t snuggle your husband because he might (God forbid) think you are initiating sexual contact. You wear flannel pj’s to bed in the hopes your husband won’t get turned on. Anything you can do to reduce the risk of having to accommodate that ‘enemy.’
If this sounds familiar, you are one of the millions of women who suffer from chronic pelvic pain (CPP) called Dyspareunia. Dyspareunia is defined as persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs before, during, or after intercourse. In the newest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-V), the diagnosis of Dyspareunia was replaced with ‘Genito-Pelvic Pain/Penetration Disorder.’
Sadly, by the time I meet most of my clients with pelvic pain, they have seen 3 (or 7 or 11) doctors who have all told them the pain is ‘in their head.’ “You just need to relax, honey,” or “Have a glass of wine, it will help loosen you up,” they are told. This chronic ‘gaslighting’ by physicians (and often partners) that the pain is not real sets women up to question their reality and sometimes even their sanity. The truth? Pelvic pain is a real, diagnosable, treatable medical condition. And the emotional impact is also treatable!
Don’t panic. There is hope.
Individual sex therapy, couples therapy and support groups (or any combination thereof) can help women reclaim their femininity and celebrate their sexuality.
Don’t let CPP rob you of optimal sexual health. With proper medical and psychological care, you can have the satisfying sex life you deserve. You can stop CPP from overtaking your sexual self esteem (and your life!).
This blog is not about the organic causes or medical treatment options for pelvic pain (of which there are many). It’s about the psychological and emotional impact of pelvic pain on women and their partners. After treating hundreds of women with this issue, I’ve come to understand the incredible emotional toll it takes on so many aspects of daily life.
CPP can affect work, school, hobbies, social life, family life, sexual health, relationships, and (in extreme cases) even the will to live. Acute pain is immediate, severe, and short-lived. You break your leg, it hurts (a lot), and then you get better. Chronic pain, on the other hand, is always there. It never goes away. Like an albatross on your sexual back, it mocks you day and night. This seemingly never-ending burden can cause anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, chronic fatigue, and even suicidal thoughts.
My clients with CPP describe their bodies as “broken,” “unfeminine,” and “damaged.” They are keenly aware of the fact that they have to choose between pleasing their partner (and dealing with physical discomfort, which can last for days) or avoiding sexual contact (and worrying that their partner may leave them or be unfaithful). Neither option is appealing. They feel like no matter what they choose, someone loses. Either they ‘take one for the team’ and suffer physically; or they avoid sex and hope their partner will stick around.
Although CPP complicates physical and emotional intimacy, it can provide couples with an opportunity to be honest, creative, flexible and playful. These four traits; honesty, creativity, flexibility and playfulness, allow couples to overcome even the most shameful and embarrassing situations in the bedroom.
A condition like CPP may force a couple to work a little harder to get in the sexual groove, but it is definitely worth it!
Don’t Ask; Don’t Tell
I treated a woman with CPP pelvic pain who chose to keep it secret for two years. She did not want her husband to know that she was in pain because she wanted him to think she was ‘normal.’ She was afraid he would stop initiating sex if he knew it hurt her. So she mastered the art of faking orgasm and camouflaged her sounds of pain into sounds of pleasure. When she screamed out in pain, she hoped he would think she was enjoying herself.
When she sought treatment, I encouraged her to be honest with her husband about her medical condition so he could support her physically and emotionally. Initially she was resistant, but after a few weeks, she mustered her courage and made a formal disclosure to her husband about her pain.
When she told him she had a pain disorder, he said, “No shit.” She was completely stunned. “You knew??” she said. “It’s obvious,” he said. It took her a second to process, then she simply ended the conversation with “you bastard.” She could not believe that he knew she was in pain, never mentioned it and had sex with her anyway. She was devastated. Here she was, enduring pain so he could have a good time and he knew all along that it hurt her. It took a lot of healing, but they eventually got back on track and enjoyed an active satisfying sex life.
Will my partner leave me? Can I have kids?
Women with pelvic pain understand that ongoing sexual contact is a healthy, appropriate, reasonable expectation in a committed relationship. When women are sexually ‘out of commission’, they often feel guilty. “My husband deserves to have sex and I can’t give him that. How can I expect him to live this way? It’s not fair to him.”
Single women have their own unique worries. They wonder if they will ever find a partner willing to commit to them, given their sexual baggage. “It will become evident quickly that I can’t have normal sex. Maybe I’ll just stay single and adopt.”
Young women with CPP worry if they will be able to get pregnant through ‘traditional’ means and deliver a baby vaginally. “If I can’t even get a tampon in (let alone an erect penis), how can I get a baby out?”
Some women resent needing vaginal dilators, valium suppositories or pelvic floor physical therapy. They are afraid they will need to do these things forever to maintain any progress. “I just want to have sex like a normal person. I don’t want to prepare 24 hours in advance with dilators and suppositories or botox injections in my vagina. I just want carefree, pain-free sex.”
Readers, don’t be discouraged. There are many effective treatment options for pelvic pain and many women get better.
I must warn you, however, that CPP, even after successful treatment, leaves a complicated legacy in many relationships. The good news? I’ve seen transformation occur time and time again in my office and it can happen for you.
STATS ON PELVIC PAIN
*Researchers estimate that 12-20% of women have chronic pelvic pain (but unfortunately getting proper diagnosis and treatment takes far too long due to doctors’ dismissiveness and/or lack of advanced diagnostic skills).
*Many women with organic sexual pain appear normal upon visual exam. The average OB/GYN is not trained to identify these conditions. Find a vulvar specialist with the proper diagnostic equipment (i.e. vulvoscopy) who specializes in these conditions.
*Up to 33% of women will have pelvic pain during their lifetime
*Ten percent of visits to gynecologists are for diagnosis and treatment of chronic pelvic pain (but far too many are told there is nothing wrong)
*Twenty-five percent of women affected by chronic pelvic pain are bed-ridden for nearly 3 days per month. I’ve treated women who had to go on disability because their chronic pelvic pain became disabling.
*Pelvic floor physical therapy is shown to be effective for reducing chronic pelvic pain. Many of my clients report that this treatment is more effective than vaginal dilators, valium suppositories, and even topical hormone replacement.
Correct! The answer is FALSE.
Sex should not hurt. Okay, maybe the first time. But pelvic pain is not something women just need to accept. Imagine not being able to have sex. Seriously. Imagine. Every time you attempt intercourse—searing, burning, ripping pain shoots through your pelvis. Sometimes you bleed. Sometimes it hurts to pee for a week after sex. Your partner’s erect penis is perceived as the enemy. As the ‘enemy’ approaches, you brace yourself and ‘white-knuckle’ it.
You avoid dates with your boyfriend because he might expect sex afterwards. You don’t snuggle your husband because he might (God forbid) think you are initiating sexual contact. You wear flannel pj’s to bed in the hopes your husband won’t get turned on. Anything you can do to reduce the risk of having to accommodate that ‘enemy.’
If this sounds familiar, you are one of the millions of women who suffer from chronic pelvic pain (CPP) called Dyspareunia. Dyspareunia is defined as persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs before, during, or after intercourse. In the newest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-V), the diagnosis of Dyspareunia was replaced with ‘Genito-Pelvic Pain/Penetration Disorder.’
Sadly, by the time I meet most of my clients with pelvic pain, they have seen 3 (or 7 or 11) doctors who have all told them the pain is ‘in their head.’ “You just need to relax, honey,” or “Have a glass of wine, it will help loosen you up,” they are told. This chronic ‘gaslighting’ by physicians (and often partners) that the pain is not real sets women up to question their reality and sometimes even their sanity. The truth? Pelvic pain is a real, diagnosable, treatable medical condition. And the emotional impact is also treatable!
Don’t panic. There is hope.
Individual sex therapy, couples therapy and support groups (or any combination thereof) can help women reclaim their femininity and celebrate their sexuality.
Don’t let CPP rob you of optimal sexual health. With proper medical and psychological care, you can have the satisfying sex life you deserve. You can stop CPP from overtaking your sexual self esteem (and your life!).
This blog is not about the organic causes or medical treatment options for pelvic pain (of which there are many). It’s about the psychological and emotional impact of pelvic pain on women and their partners. After treating hundreds of women with this issue, I’ve come to understand the incredible emotional toll it takes on so many aspects of daily life.
CPP can affect work, school, hobbies, social life, family life, sexual health, relationships, and (in extreme cases) even the will to live. Acute pain is immediate, severe, and short-lived. You break your leg, it hurts (a lot), and then you get better. Chronic pain, on the other hand, is always there. It never goes away. Like an albatross on your sexual back, it mocks you day and night. This seemingly never-ending burden can cause anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, chronic fatigue, and even suicidal thoughts.
My clients with CPP describe their bodies as “broken,” “unfeminine,” and “damaged.” They are keenly aware of the fact that they have to choose between pleasing their partner (and dealing with physical discomfort, which can last for days) or avoiding sexual contact (and worrying that their partner may leave them or be unfaithful). Neither option is appealing. They feel like no matter what they choose, someone loses. Either they ‘take one for the team’ and suffer physically; or they avoid sex and hope their partner will stick around.
Although CPP complicates physical and emotional intimacy, it can provide couples with an opportunity to be honest, creative, flexible and playful. These four traits; honesty, creativity, flexibility and playfulness, allow couples to overcome even the most shameful and embarrassing situations in the bedroom.
A condition like CPP may force a couple to work a little harder to get in the sexual groove, but it is definitely worth it!
Don’t Ask; Don’t Tell
I treated a woman with CPP pelvic pain who chose to keep it secret for two years. She did not want her husband to know that she was in pain because she wanted him to think she was ‘normal.’ She was afraid he would stop initiating sex if he knew it hurt her. So she mastered the art of faking orgasm and camouflaged her sounds of pain into sounds of pleasure. When she screamed out in pain, she hoped he would think she was enjoying herself.
When she sought treatment, I encouraged her to be honest with her husband about her medical condition so he could support her physically and emotionally. Initially she was resistant, but after a few weeks, she mustered her courage and made a formal disclosure to her husband about her pain.
When she told him she had a pain disorder, he said, “No shit.” She was completely stunned. “You knew??” she said. “It’s obvious,” he said. It took her a second to process, then she simply ended the conversation with “you bastard.” She could not believe that he knew she was in pain, never mentioned it and had sex with her anyway. She was devastated. Here she was, enduring pain so he could have a good time and he knew all along that it hurt her. It took a lot of healing, but they eventually got back on track and enjoyed an active satisfying sex life.
Will my partner leave me? Can I have kids?
Women with pelvic pain understand that ongoing sexual contact is a healthy, appropriate, reasonable expectation in a committed relationship. When women are sexually ‘out of commission’, they often feel guilty. “My husband deserves to have sex and I can’t give him that. How can I expect him to live this way? It’s not fair to him.”
Single women have their own unique worries. They wonder if they will ever find a partner willing to commit to them, given their sexual baggage. “It will become evident quickly that I can’t have normal sex. Maybe I’ll just stay single and adopt.”
Young women with CPP worry if they will be able to get pregnant through ‘traditional’ means and deliver a baby vaginally. “If I can’t even get a tampon in (let alone an erect penis), how can I get a baby out?”
Some women resent needing vaginal dilators, valium suppositories or pelvic floor physical therapy. They are afraid they will need to do these things forever to maintain any progress. “I just want to have sex like a normal person. I don’t want to prepare 24 hours in advance with dilators and suppositories or botox injections in my vagina. I just want carefree, pain-free sex.”
Readers, don’t be discouraged. There are many effective treatment options for pelvic pain and many women get better.
I must warn you, however, that CPP, even after successful treatment, leaves a complicated legacy in many relationships. The good news? I’ve seen transformation occur time and time again in my office and it can happen for you.
STATS ON PELVIC PAIN
*Researchers estimate that 12-20% of women have chronic pelvic pain (but unfortunately getting proper diagnosis and treatment takes far too long due to doctors’ dismissiveness and/or lack of advanced diagnostic skills).
*Many women with organic sexual pain appear normal upon visual exam. The average OB/GYN is not trained to identify these conditions. Find a vulvar specialist with the proper diagnostic equipment (i.e. vulvoscopy) who specializes in these conditions.
*Up to 33% of women will have pelvic pain during their lifetime
*Ten percent of visits to gynecologists are for diagnosis and treatment of chronic pelvic pain (but far too many are told there is nothing wrong)
*Twenty-five percent of women affected by chronic pelvic pain are bed-ridden for nearly 3 days per month. I’ve treated women who had to go on disability because their chronic pelvic pain became disabling.
*Pelvic floor physical therapy is shown to be effective for reducing chronic pelvic pain. Many of my clients report that this treatment is more effective than vaginal dilators, valium suppositories, and even topical hormone replacement.
5) Women Are More Likely To Cheat When They Are Ovulating TRUE.
Ladies, have you ever felt like a sort of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde when it comes to sexual attraction? One day you find that aggressive, cocky guy at work to be completely offensive; then a week later you have a sex dream about him? You’re not crazy. Let me explain. Fascinating research shows that heterosexual, premenopausal women value different traits at different times of the month based on fertility status.
Since prehistoric times, human females have been faced with evolutionary trade-offs. The dilemma? Good “genes” vs. good “mate.” Should “genetic fitness” trump loyalty and stability? Are “masculine” features worth more than an investment in raising offspring? Is an aggressive, dominant partner more attractive than a trustworthy provider? The answer—It depends on a woman’s fertility status.
The Ovulatory Shift Hypothesis (aka mixed mating strategy, dual mating strategy, and “good genes” theory), suggests that evolutionary forces drive female sexual behavior in subtle, yet profound ways. You may be surprised to learn just how powerful hormones can be! And the most interesting part—we don’t even realize what’s happening. This all unfolds in unconscious ways. Evolution is calling the shots here.
Increased Risk for Cheating
When women are fertile, we are more likely to fantasize (and flirt) with men other than our primary partners. We are also more likely to be unfaithful. In a study published in Current Anthropology in 2005, rates of “extra-pair paternity” (getting pregnant by a man other than your partner) range from 1% to 55% depending on the population. One study reported that one in twelve pairs of fraternal twins have different fathers. Wow!
Men who are lacking in the masculinity department are more vulnerable than men who are more “genetically fit” (tall, facial symmetry, body symmetry, deep voice, copious body hair, competitive, dominant, etc). It is genetically advantageous for women to procreate with men who possess these stereotypically masculine features. But for the other 25 days of the month, we tend to go for the nice, stable guy.
Even a man’s facial features are regarded differently during ovulation. When we are ovulating, we rate “masculine” facial features as high on sexiness, but not high on appeal as long term mates. When we are not fertile, we tend to be attracted to “softer” features such as larger eyes (which are linked with stability, nurturing, and loyalty). Think Leonardo DiCaprio.
Facial Scars Can be Sexy
When we are ovulating, we rate facial scars as sexy. Can you guess why? When we are fertile, we value traits of aggression. In a study published by Burriss in 2009, facial scars (especially ones that appear to have been earned during battle) were shown to increase attractiveness in males as short-term partners.
Facial scars may “advertise” valuable information about a man, such as a willingness to engage in battle to protect a mate or offspring. He’s the guy you want around if a burglar breaks in during the night. Or the neighbor’s pit-bull gets loose while you are watering the flowers.
Jerk = Sexy???
Fertile women prefer the scent of males who score high on a questionnaire-based dominance scale. What? We want dominant, competitive guys? A study published by Havlicek in 2005 showed a positive correlation between male dominance and odor sexiness when rated by women at peak fertility, but not at other phases of the menstrual cycle. Women who are ovulating also find competition and dominance toward other men as sexy. This is the guy who humiliates and picks on the smaller, nicer guy at the party. You think he’s a jerk, but you find yourself attracted to him and don’t know why. It’s because you are ovulating.
Cheater = Sexy???
Here’s the kicker! When we are fertile, we rate faithful men as “unsexy.” What? Because promiscuity is highly associated with genetic fitness, we find this otherwise offensive trait as attractive when we are under the influence of hormones. So even though that masculine guy may kick the burglar’s ass, he may not stick around to help you raise Junior. As I said, it’s a trade-off.
Just as women don’t realize we are under the influence of hormones, men don’t realize they may be attracted to a woman because she is fertile. Fascinating research shows that men can actually “smell,” “see,” and “hear” fertility. Crazy, huh? In a study published in Evolution and Human Behavior in 2007, research showed that lap dancers earned more tips per shift over a 2 month period when they were ovulating than at other times in their menstrual cycle.
In another study published by Roberts in 2004, men unwittingly rated digital photos of women’s faces as more attractive when they were fertile than at other stages of their menstrual cycle. The women wore no make in all of the photos, regardless of menstrual status.
Ovulating women’s faces:
Are more symmetrical
Have wider eyes with more dilated pupils
Have fuller lips with more natural color
Have improved skin color and tone
Men also unwittingly sense fertility through our voices. In a study published in 2008, Pipitone explained that the frequency of our voices are slightly higher when we are ovulating. Female voices higher in frequency are considered more attractive (feminine). Think Marilyn Monroe. Also, men rate the scent of ovulating women more attractive than non-ovulating women, suggesting an unconscious capacity to smell opportunities for procreation. Singh described this phenomenon in his research published in 2001.
Gentlemen Prefer Hips
Throughout history and across cultures an “hourglass” figure (a waist to hip ratio of 7/10, to be exact) has epitomized beauty. Think Sophia Loren. Men subconsciously perceive ample breasts and broad hips as indicators of a woman’s capacity to bear and nurse children (in fact, these are reliable indicators of fertility). A 2006 study by Jasienka et al showed women with large breasts, narrow waists, and noticeably larger hips have 30% higher levels of Estadiol overall and mid-cycle than other women (making them 3x more likely to conceive).
So lots of stuff is going on that we are unaware of. The next time you have a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde moment, remember that nature has its own plan and just go with it.
Correct! The answer is TRUE.
Ladies, have you ever felt like a sort of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde when it comes to sexual attraction? One day you find that aggressive, cocky guy at work to be completely offensive; then a week later you have a sex dream about him? You’re not crazy. Let me explain. Fascinating research shows that heterosexual, premenopausal women value different traits at different times of the month based on fertility status.
Since prehistoric times, human females have been faced with evolutionary trade-offs. The dilemma? Good “genes” vs. good “mate.” Should “genetic fitness” trump loyalty and stability? Are “masculine” features worth more than an investment in raising offspring? Is an aggressive, dominant partner more attractive than a trustworthy provider? The answer—It depends on a woman’s fertility status.
The Ovulatory Shift Hypothesis (aka mixed mating strategy, dual mating strategy, and “good genes” theory), suggests that evolutionary forces drive female sexual behavior in subtle, yet profound ways. You may be surprised to learn just how powerful hormones can be! And the most interesting part—we don’t even realize what’s happening. This all unfolds in unconscious ways. Evolution is calling the shots here.
Increased Risk for Cheating
When women are fertile, we are more likely to fantasize (and flirt) with men other than our primary partners. We are also more likely to be unfaithful. In a study published in Current Anthropology in 2005, rates of “extra-pair paternity” (getting pregnant by a man other than your partner) range from 1% to 55% depending on the population. One study reported that one in twelve pairs of fraternal twins have different fathers. Wow!
Men who are lacking in the masculinity department are more vulnerable than men who are more “genetically fit” (tall, facial symmetry, body symmetry, deep voice, copious body hair, competitive, dominant, etc). It is genetically advantageous for women to procreate with men who possess these stereotypically masculine features. But for the other 25 days of the month, we tend to go for the nice, stable guy.
Even a man’s facial features are regarded differently during ovulation. When we are ovulating, we rate “masculine” facial features as high on sexiness, but not high on appeal as long term mates. When we are not fertile, we tend to be attracted to “softer” features such as larger eyes (which are linked with stability, nurturing, and loyalty). Think Leonardo DiCaprio.
Facial Scars Can be Sexy
When we are ovulating, we rate facial scars as sexy. Can you guess why? When we are fertile, we value traits of aggression. In a study published by Burriss in 2009, facial scars (especially ones that appear to have been earned during battle) were shown to increase attractiveness in males as short-term partners.
Facial scars may “advertise” valuable information about a man, such as a willingness to engage in battle to protect a mate or offspring. He’s the guy you want around if a burglar breaks in during the night. Or the neighbor’s pit-bull gets loose while you are watering the flowers.
Jerk = Sexy???
Fertile women prefer the scent of males who score high on a questionnaire-based dominance scale. What? We want dominant, competitive guys? A study published by Havlicek in 2005 showed a positive correlation between male dominance and odor sexiness when rated by women at peak fertility, but not at other phases of the menstrual cycle. Women who are ovulating also find competition and dominance toward other men as sexy. This is the guy who humiliates and picks on the smaller, nicer guy at the party. You think he’s a jerk, but you find yourself attracted to him and don’t know why. It’s because you are ovulating.
Cheater = Sexy???
Here’s the kicker! When we are fertile, we rate faithful men as “unsexy.” What? Because promiscuity is highly associated with genetic fitness, we find this otherwise offensive trait as attractive when we are under the influence of hormones. So even though that masculine guy may kick the burglar’s ass, he may not stick around to help you raise Junior. As I said, it’s a trade-off.
Just as women don’t realize we are under the influence of hormones, men don’t realize they may be attracted to a woman because she is fertile. Fascinating research shows that men can actually “smell,” “see,” and “hear” fertility. Crazy, huh? In a study published in Evolution and Human Behavior in 2007, research showed that lap dancers earned more tips per shift over a 2 month period when they were ovulating than at other times in their menstrual cycle.
In another study published by Roberts in 2004, men unwittingly rated digital photos of women’s faces as more attractive when they were fertile than at other stages of their menstrual cycle. The women wore no make in all of the photos, regardless of menstrual status.
Ovulating women’s faces:
Are more symmetrical
Have wider eyes with more dilated pupils
Have fuller lips with more natural color
Have improved skin color and tone
Men also unwittingly sense fertility through our voices. In a study published in 2008, Pipitone explained that the frequency of our voices are slightly higher when we are ovulating. Female voices higher in frequency are considered more attractive (feminine). Think Marilyn Monroe. Also, men rate the scent of ovulating women more attractive than non-ovulating women, suggesting an unconscious capacity to smell opportunities for procreation. Singh described this phenomenon in his research published in 2001.
Gentlemen Prefer Hips
Throughout history and across cultures an “hourglass” figure (a waist to hip ratio of 7/10, to be exact) has epitomized beauty. Think Sophia Loren. Men subconsciously perceive ample breasts and broad hips as indicators of a woman’s capacity to bear and nurse children (in fact, these are reliable indicators of fertility). A 2006 study by Jasienka et al showed women with large breasts, narrow waists, and noticeably larger hips have 30% higher levels of Estadiol overall and mid-cycle than other women (making them 3x more likely to conceive).
So lots of stuff is going on that we are unaware of. The next time you have a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde moment, remember that nature has its own plan and just go with it.
6) A man is responsible for a woman's orgasm. 7) A healthy man should be able to achieve erection under any circumstance. False.
The arousal phase of sexual response (when men achieve and maintain erections) is more delicate than most people realize. However, myths and stereotypes about male sexuality still dominate our culture. Many men still believe they should be able to get hard (and stay hard) at the drop of a hat.
Medical conditions like Diabetes, Hypertension, and Obesity affect the vascular process that enables blood to fill the penis. Certain drugs, like antidepressants, antipsychotics, blood pressure medicine, and hormonal preparations may also undermine the arousal phase of sexual response. Although alcohol has an often appreciated socially-disinhibiting effect, it is not a friend of the penis. Alcohol is a depressant, and thus depresses sexual response. Chronic illness, surgery, chemotherapy, pain, injury, smoking, certain recreational drugs, and even bicycle riding can all affect a man’s ability to get and keep an erection. In addition, many men seem to be unaware of the “Refractory Period.” The refractory period is the period in which your penis “recuperates” after an orgasm before it can get hard again. As a man ages, his refractory period increases.
In addition to the many physical risk factors for ED, more and more men are coming to see me for help with “pschogenic” impotence. Psychogenic impotence is when a man has trouble getting or keeping an erection due to psychological barriers. I treat many men in their 20’s and 30’s who are physically healthy but cannot get or keep an erection with a partner. I’ve developed an acronym to capture the most common emotions that interfere with arousal. I call it SHAARD, like a shard of glass that pierces the heart of sexual function:
S—Shame/Guilt
H—Humiliation
A—Anger
A—Anxiety
R—Resentment
D—Depression Depending on one’s social status, coping skills, developmental history, etc., any one of these emotions can take the wind out of the sexual sail in no time flat. I spend thousands of hours talking to men who are surprised that feelings can interfere with sex. As a result of therapy, they come to understand that their penis actually does not have a mind of its own, but rather is an organ attached to a real live vulnerable person.
Correct! The answer is False.
The arousal phase of sexual response (when men achieve and maintain erections) is more delicate than most people realize. However, myths and stereotypes about male sexuality still dominate our culture. Many men still believe they should be able to get hard (and stay hard) at the drop of a hat.
Medical conditions like Diabetes, Hypertension, and Obesity affect the vascular process that enables blood to fill the penis. Certain drugs, like antidepressants, antipsychotics, blood pressure medicine, and hormonal preparations may also undermine the arousal phase of sexual response. Although alcohol has an often appreciated socially-disinhibiting effect, it is not a friend of the penis. Alcohol is a depressant, and thus depresses sexual response. Chronic illness, surgery, chemotherapy, pain, injury, smoking, certain recreational drugs, and even bicycle riding can all affect a man’s ability to get and keep an erection. In addition, many men seem to be unaware of the “Refractory Period.” The refractory period is the period in which your penis “recuperates” after an orgasm before it can get hard again. As a man ages, his refractory period increases.
In addition to the many physical risk factors for ED, more and more men are coming to see me for help with “pschogenic” impotence. Psychogenic impotence is when a man has trouble getting or keeping an erection due to psychological barriers. I treat many men in their 20’s and 30’s who are physically healthy but cannot get or keep an erection with a partner. I’ve developed an acronym to capture the most common emotions that interfere with arousal. I call it SHAARD, like a shard of glass that pierces the heart of sexual function:
S—Shame/Guilt
H—Humiliation
A—Anger
A—Anxiety
R—Resentment
D—Depression Depending on one’s social status, coping skills, developmental history, etc., any one of these emotions can take the wind out of the sexual sail in no time flat. I spend thousands of hours talking to men who are surprised that feelings can interfere with sex. As a result of therapy, they come to understand that their penis actually does not have a mind of its own, but rather is an organ attached to a real live vulnerable person.
8) Two thirds of women are unable to reliably achieve orgasm from intercourse alone. 9) One third of men achieve orgasm before they want to. 10) It is abnormal for women to experience fluctuations in sexual desire. Correct! The answer is FALSE.
All humans experience fluctuations in sexual desire throughout the lifespan, but women are especially vulnerable to these fluctuations. Desire is the first phase of sexual response, followed by arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction. Desire is the most complex and fragile phase of sexual response, especially for women. I like to divide desire into three separate and discrete sub-components—biological, social, and psychological. Biological desire represents the physiological experience of sexual energy in your body. Think of it as libido, horniness, or drive. It is hardwired into our DNA. It is our hormones in action. It has nothing to do with the quality of your relationship. It is simply a primal urge. The social manifestation of desire is shaped by the messages we internalize from culture, religion, society, parents, peers, the media, etc. Although these messages are not always healthy or accurate, they become deeply embedded in our psyches. They shape our feelings about our gender role, sexual behavior, fantasies, comfort with sex, masturbation, and much more.
The psychological component of desire represents the quality and tone of your relationship. If you hate your partner or don’t trust your husband, this will surely affect your motivation to be sexual with him/her. Women, for the most part, want to feel connected to their partner. If there is “ill will” or consistent negative interactions, this will likely interfere with a woman’s receptivity toward sexual contact. Many additional factors affect a woman’s desire, including fatigue level (sleep deprivation is a woman’s sexual enemy!), physical health, mental health, hormonal status, pregnancy, motherhood, extended family obligations, gender identity, drugs and alcohol, body image, self esteem, etc. Female sexual desire is extraordinarily complex.
FALSE.
All humans experience fluctuations in sexual desire throughout the lifespan, but women are especially vulnerable to these fluctuations. Desire is the first phase of sexual response, followed by arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction. Desire is the most complex and fragile phase of sexual response, especially for women. I like to divide desire into three separate and discrete sub-components—biological, social, and psychological. Biological desire represents the physiological experience of sexual energy in your body. Think of it as libido, horniness, or drive. It is hardwired into our DNA. It is our hormones in action. It has nothing to do with the quality of your relationship. It is simply a primal urge. The social manifestation of desire is shaped by the messages we internalize from culture, religion, society, parents, peers, the media, etc. Although these messages are not always healthy or accurate, they become deeply embedded in our psyches. They shape our feelings about our gender role, sexual behavior, fantasies, comfort with sex, masturbation, and much more.
The psychological component of desire represents the quality and tone of your relationship. If you hate your partner or don’t trust your husband, this will surely affect your motivation to be sexual with him/her. Women, for the most part, want to feel connected to their partner. If there is “ill will” or consistent negative interactions, this will likely interfere with a woman’s receptivity toward sexual contact. Many additional factors affect a woman’s desire, including fatigue level (sleep deprivation is a woman’s sexual enemy!), physical health, mental health, hormonal status, pregnancy, motherhood, extended family obligations, gender identity, drugs and alcohol, body image, self esteem, etc. Female sexual desire is extraordinarily complex.
11) A vast majority of those who commit infidelity are male. 12) Occasional use of fantasy is not problematic. 13) When an individual is transgendered, they invariably want hormones and surgery. 14) One's sexual script is usually in place by puberty. Correct! The answer is TRUE.
What is a sexual “script?” Think of a sexual script as a map or a blueprint. It represents the themes and content that turn you on. As a movie script captures a story, a sexual script captures one’s sexual story. It is hard to think that one’s sexual script is in place by puberty because one typically has limited sexual experience when puberty begins. However, the tone and feel of one’s sexual intentions become evident by the time hormones facilitate sexual changes in our bodies.
A majority of men and women develop a sexual script that is conventional, involving predictable patterns and themes. Sometimes, especially for men, the themes and tone of the script are unconventional in that they lack intimacy and are steeped in aggression, coercion, and humiliation. When I take a sexual history from men who have unconventional sexual scripts, they almost always date the genesis of these themes back to puberty.
By puberty, most boys know if they are gay, if they are transgendered, if they are aroused by shoes, if they want to have intimate, loving sex, or if they want to have coercive, hostile sex. They know if they like peeking in windows, if they like showing their penis to people, if they are attracted to outgoing or shy girls. They know if they feel masculine, if they are popular, if they feel their sexual thoughts are “normal” or “weird.” These themes become “hardwired.” And although there is some wiggle room, it is extremely difficult to change one’s sexual script. The script becomes a deeply ingrained, long-standing component of who they are sexually. Many men ask me to help them alter their sexual script because their interests are illegal or violent. Others ask for help because they think they are weird or freakish. Others come in to seek validation and support for their unconventional, yet harmless, sexual interests.
I have devoted my career to helping people reduce shame around their sexuality. I try to depathologize unconventional sexual interests. As long as the activity is safe, sane, and consensual, who cares? The only caveat I want to add is that some interests make it difficult to connect to a partner, thus undermining intimacy. As a psychotherapist, I own my bias that emotional intimacy and relational interactions are healthy. If one cannot maintain an erection or achieve orgasm without popping a balloon, sniffing a shoe, wearing a diaper, or inflicting pain (if these behaviors are an absolute requirement), it might be time to seek help. If I can sprinkle some intimacy into the equation, a happy medium may be achieved.
TRUE.
What is a sexual “script?” Think of a sexual script as a map or a blueprint. It represents the themes and content that turn you on. As a movie script captures a story, a sexual script captures one’s sexual story. It is hard to think that one’s sexual script is in place by puberty because one typically has limited sexual experience when puberty begins. However, the tone and feel of one’s sexual intentions become evident by the time hormones facilitate sexual changes in our bodies.
A majority of men and women develop a sexual script that is conventional, involving predictable patterns and themes. Sometimes, especially for men, the themes and tone of the script are unconventional in that they lack intimacy and are steeped in aggression, coercion, and humiliation. When I take a sexual history from men who have unconventional sexual scripts, they almost always date the genesis of these themes back to puberty.
By puberty, most boys know if they are gay, if they are transgendered, if they are aroused by shoes, if they want to have intimate, loving sex, or if they want to have coercive, hostile sex. They know if they like peeking in windows, if they like showing their penis to people, if they are attracted to outgoing or shy girls. They know if they feel masculine, if they are popular, if they feel their sexual thoughts are “normal” or “weird.” These themes become “hardwired.” And although there is some wiggle room, it is extremely difficult to change one’s sexual script. The script becomes a deeply ingrained, long-standing component of who they are sexually. Many men ask me to help them alter their sexual script because their interests are illegal or violent. Others ask for help because they think they are weird or freakish. Others come in to seek validation and support for their unconventional, yet harmless, sexual interests.
I have devoted my career to helping people reduce shame around their sexuality. I try to depathologize unconventional sexual interests. As long as the activity is safe, sane, and consensual, who cares? The only caveat I want to add is that some interests make it difficult to connect to a partner, thus undermining intimacy. As a psychotherapist, I own my bias that emotional intimacy and relational interactions are healthy. If one cannot maintain an erection or achieve orgasm without popping a balloon, sniffing a shoe, wearing a diaper, or inflicting pain (if these behaviors are an absolute requirement), it might be time to seek help. If I can sprinkle some intimacy into the equation, a happy medium may be achieved.
15) Individuals with serious or chronic illness do not have time to worry about sex. ***BONUS QUESTION: Most People With 'Kinks' Wish They Didn't Have Them
